But you don't look sick.

I don't have the greatest self-confidence and a lot of it comes from the fact that I feel worthless being sick all the time. I've also dealt with a lot of issues involving people taking me seriously because I don't look sick most of the time. I walk into doctor's offices and I'm smiling, I meet new doctors and I'm smiling, it's just the way I am. But I think because of that I don't always get taken seriously, not just with doctors, with everyone. There was awhile when I was dealing with just my dyspepsia (around my sophomore year of high school) where someone close to me seemed to think (or at least made me feel) that it was all in my head and that I was just a "picky eater". Ever since then I've been really sensitive to whether or not people "believe" me. I know it's silly to care about what other people think but I can't seem to help it.

Anyway, it really bothers me when doctor's make me feel like I'm making everything up. It's a concept I don't understand. Why on earth would I waste my time and money on all of these stupid doctor appointments if I were faking it? WHY? They're not fun, they make my anxiety go through the roof, who finds enjoyment in doing test after test, getting blood drawn time and time again and trying new medications with unpleasant side effects? I just don't understand that mind set. So when doctors make me feel that way, I take it hard. It makes me feel bad, it hurts me. I'm a sensitive person, always have been, always will be and that's never going to change. I'm not saying that people need to cater to this, I'm just pointing out that's who I am.

The last time I went to an ENT was two years ago so when my family and I took a road trip this summer and we saw how badly I reacted to higher elevation we thought maybe this would be information an ENT could use. When you get to the point that I'm at, when you've been dealing with something every day for almost three years, information like this always feels like the missing puzzle piece, so you take it seriously. Anyway, today was my ENT appointment and after waiting an hour in the waiting room I finally got to see the doctor. My mom and I walked into the room, we took our seats, the doctor asked me to tell him about what's been going on and I gave him a very VERY short version of the past three years. I've been doing this long enough to know what's important enough to tell which doctor, for this one I really only needed to tell him about my previous ENT and neurologist appointments and the recent roadtrip. The first thing out of his mouth was something along the lines of, "So you don't drive right?" I was kind of taken back by it, I wasn't expecting that at all.
"No, I still drive."
"Then your dizziness isn't constant is it?"
"Well, no...I'm always dizzy...It is constant."
"Then you shouldn't be driving should you? If the world is spinning around you how can you drive?"
"Um...the world isn't spinning around me, I'm the one spinning."
"Still how can you be driving?"

All I could think was, "Am I on trial here? Are you trying to prove me wrong or something?" It was so disheartening. Don't get me wrong, I see where he's coming from. If you're spinning bad enough you probably shouldn't drive but I've been dealing with this on a daily basis for long enough to know my limits. And there have been MANY times when I've chosen not to drive because of it, ask my friends, family, previous relationships. They've all been there to come get me or to let me stay longer until it's passed. Of course, I didn't say that to the doctor because I was caught so off guard. And yeah, he's a doctor, he's done the schooling, all the hard work, spent years studying to know what he's talking about, I get that. But when you approach the situation like he did? It's uncalled for.

He seemed more interested in that than anything else, the fact that I still drove. Then he proceeded to diagnosis me with something I've already been diagnosed with but the medicine had stopped working for. He also told me that I should go back to a previous neurologist of mine, the neurologist who didn't seem at all interested that the medicine he'd given me had stopped working and who told me that I'm so weak because I don't lift weights.....Also, I want to point out, first I went to an ENT who referred me to a neurologist...two years later I see a neurologist (referred by my PCP) who refers me to an ENT who has now referred me back to the original neurologist. AGH haha I can't help but laugh because of how ridiculous this all is to me.

I guess the whole point of this is just to be heard. I'm feeling a bit down, not because I didn't find out anything new but just because there's another doctor not taking me seriously and making me feel stupid. I'm not stupid though, I know what I go through every day of my life and I can't expect anyone to understand that. Especially a doctor who is mainly controlled by insurance companies. Ok ok, maybe that last sentence is a bit cynical but it's hard to think different when that's been my main experience.

I will end this post saying that despite all of this, things could be worse. I'm thankful for this life God's blessed me with.