Last night I was sitting in Starbucks with one of my best friends BG (and I am one of her twenty best friends) and when I started to share with her about what God had been doing in my life I got really excited. I was so filled with joy to be able to express the lessons I have been so intensely learning over the past couple of months. Then as I laid in bed tonight trying to sleep, I kept thinking about how I just wanted to share with someone what I was going through tonight. Now it is Wednesday and normally I could share this at college group but my body wasn't cooperating so unfortunately I had no outlet. But that lead me to decide to start my own blog so I could share these life lessons with anyone who wants to read.
So here it goes, one of the many lessons God has been teaching me lately: Originally this seed was planted weeks ago when I was sitting at college group and SC started talking about our motives, you know the little things that drive us to do the things we do. I hadn't really thought to much about my motives before but that night I realized that a big motive behind my desire to be healed were very selfish. But that's not really what this blog is going to be about, that's just where this whole thing started. Then little by little for the next couple of weeks God kept bringing motives to my head, I kept hearing, "What are your motives with this? Why do you really want this? What are you hoping to accomplish with these words you're saying?" And I really started to pay attention to why I was choosing to do or say certain things. I realized, this past week that I had not been fair to someone in my past, let's call him Tin Foil. I realized that anything I said to or about Tin Foil was to either hurt him or make him sound like a bad guy. Don't get me wrong, the things I was saying were all true things but I definitely did not need to be saying them the way that I was. My motives were very selfish and hateful. I still wasn't sure what God wanted me to do now that I had come to this realization but then I hung out with a great and beautiful girl AD. She's going through some really tough stuff right now and all I see from her is pure strength. But that's not what this post is about, anyway she was talking about this guy who has treated her in awful ways. Well, as she was telling me everything I kept thinking, "Wow, I really have not been fair to Tin Foil, he may have been an idiot in some of his decisions but he wasn't anything like this guy." And that's when my heart started to burn, like it does when I know I'm supposed to do something. So that night I built up the courage (with the help of another beautiful woman LL) to be vulnerable and obedient to what God wanted me to do. It was hard and I cried a little but afterward I felt completely free.
At that point in time, I thought that everything in that situation from then on out would be a breeze because I did what God had put on my heart. Well, I think it created a little bit of drama (I still don't fully understand why but that's besides the point) because that night I received a Facebook message from Tin Foil's girlfriend and a text message from Tin Foil saying that we can not have any sort of friendship at all. I definitely wasn't expecting it but after thinking about it and sleeping on it, it's really not a big deal to me. It's not a big deal to me because I know, in my heart, that God wanted me to do what I did and He knew what was going to come from it. So I'm just trusting that this is what He wanted, there's a reason for this :)
I'm going to continue working on my motives in all areas of my life.
